Eight Kinds of Trouble

The Doctor and River, being hunted on an alien planet, it's always something....


River sighted down her gun over the barricade but didn’t shoot. She tracked her target as the Doctor sat twiddling his thumbs beside her.

The octopoidal locomotion and armored carapace of the Mendagin made for a difficult shot, but as long as it kept on its way she had no quarrel with it.

She looked down beside her as the landbound octopoid disappeared into one of the broken down skyscrapers, the Doctor was sitting beside her weaving a cat’s cradle on his long fingers with a spare piece of string.

“So how do you suggest we get back to the Tardis?” she asked, somewhat irked at his lackadaisical attitude. Mendagins were known to be ferocious and ruthless, and absolutely homicidal in defense of their territory.

Unfortunately, their territory included the basement of the building the Tardis had materialized in.

“Is he gone?” the Doctor asked, turning those childishly innocent eyes up at her. “Oh good.” He pocketed his string and crawled up to peer over the barricade, a broken plastercrete wall with seashells imbedded in the mortar.

He noticed one particularly pretty shell, still intact in its matrix, and rubbed at it happily, shining it with his thumb.

She had an almost insatiable urge to turn the gun on him. Really, there were times she could see why her trainers had wanted him shot.

“Whenever you’re ready, Sweetie,” she said in a highly sarcastic voice.

“What? Oh, right!” he turned his attention up from the shell, giving it a friendly pat, and cocked his head at the forty story building before them.

The whole city was a shambling ruins, skyscrapers with huge holes blown out of them, rubble strewn the streets. It was quite at odds with the pretty robin’s egg blue sky and the jaunty yellow flowers that grew up through the cracks.

They were under a bit of a timetable. This section of the city had been H2O scooped and set down in this valley, the Mendagin had a dam all ready to blow to flood the valley and provide them with the junky, aquatic, environment they preferred.

But, much as she admired the terraforming practicality of the Mendagin, it was still a bit of a problem, considering she and the Doctor didn’t breath water well.

And this was a military outpost. The Mendagin may have scavenged the planet, but they still had to claim it by salvage rights, which meant no indigenous population, which meant she and the Doctor were not welcome.

“Top down,” the Doctor said, nodding up at the roof.

River game him a gimlet look, then looked up at the top of the broken forty story building.

“And just how do you expect to get up there?” she asked. She was an expert at getting down from tall buildings, getting up was a different matter.

“Climb it.” He grinned, clapped his hands and jumped up. “We can take the elevator shafts back down to the basement.” He swung one leg jauntily over their barrier then stopped as he half turned. “Ah!”

River whirled, gun up. There were eight Mendagin gathered around them, hulking, large, armed, and glaring at them out of their one eye, armored bulk like turtle shells surrounding them edge to edge.

“Brilliant! Hello! Pleased to meet you! Beautiful planet you have here! Glorious sunsets! Fresh air! Nice demolished buildings! Congratulations on your new home!”

Before River could even think about shooting, the Doctor had shaken 64 tentacles and was beaming up at the homicidal octopi as if he were the worlds cutest puppy and couldn’t wag his tail hard enough.

The Mendagin all stared down at him in consternation with their one large, humanlike eye.

—————

Thirty-two tentacles stuffed them into the Tardis. They were wrapped in the muscular living ropes, like large sausage covered mummies.

Thousands of suckers spat them out, and all whipped back, slamming the door with a resounding bang.

“Thanks!” The Doctor yelled after them from the floor, hair and clothes disarranged, bright red sucker marks visible on his skin.

River’s hair was squashed every which way, her clothes bunched, her gun bent, and a ferocious scowl on her face.

“See?” the Doctor said brightly as he straightened his jacket. “Never start a war when you can be hospitable.”

River stood up very slowly. It was a good thing her gun was bent.